My Immortal
by Lt. Basil
Summary: In the two years following the Collector attack, the SR-1 crew must learn to come to grips with their grief over Commander Alena Shepard's death. Some are handling it better than others, however. Slight AU, takes place during two years of Shepard being "dead". Fem Shenko and Male Shepley pairings. Rated for mild swearing, depression, and alcohol. Chapter 8: Kaidan. COMPLETE.
1. Your Presence Still Lingers Here

**A/N: For those who are wondering, this story is an AU. Both male and female Shepard are present. Both Kaidan and Ashley survived Virmire (this will be explained upon request and/or whenever I decide to get my own ME story off the ground). FemShep is the "real" Commander Shepard (i.e. she's the hero of ME2 and ME3 even though both she and MShep are the heroes of ME1.**

 **That's probably all the background that you're going to need to understand this.**

 **Song inspiration from "My Immortal" by Evanescence. Mass Effect and all its characters, places, plots, etc. belong to BioWare. These two interpretations of Shepard belong to me. No copyright infringement intended and I'm not making a profit off of this.**

Wrex is in denial.

He's not sure how he feels about what happened. The krogan has never been one for huge emotional reactions to… well, anything. So having something like this - the death of the first person in over a century who he allowed himself to trust - thrust upon him is difficult to deal with.

He says nothing at Shepard's memorial service, instead vying to glare up at the speaker as he drones on about Shepard's achievements. A sneer pulls at the krogan's scaly lips at the sound of the man's bland words. Why the hell are they letting _this_ idiot speak about the commander? He never knew her - he can't speak for her. He has _no right_ to speak for her.

He grows angrier as the service wears on. Eventually - after how long he isn't sure - he snaps and storms out.

A week later, he's offered a job. It's nothing too major - his employer just wants him to take out some conman who swindled him - but credits are credits, and he can't just sit back on his butt just because his frie- _associate_ just died. So he takes it, and he finished it without any trouble… but it doesn't give him the same level of satisfaction that it used to. All he feels as the man drops his credits into his hand is an unfamiliar emptiness.

So he takes another job, and then another, and another, hoping to find some sense of the fulfillment in his work. But each target eliminated, each credit chit dropped into his hand, makes him feel more and more hollow. No matter how hard he fights, no matter how many jobs he finishes, he just feels empty. Without purpose.

Two-and-a-half months of this continue until Wrex finally gives up and admits to himself that mercenary work just isn't enough for it. Loath as he is to accept it, he greatly prefers fighting towards a goal over bounty hunting. And though he'll eat his own foot before he ever says it out loud, Wrex misses Shepard.

He misses her a lot.

Fighting beside her gave him purpose, creating the illusion that he was a real krogan, not the washed-out, credit-grabbing bounty hunter that he is. And he misses it. There's a piece of him - a very large piece, actually - that longs for those days to come back.

He's not content being a gun for hire anymore.

The next day, Wrex hops onto the first shuttle that he can find and takes off into the stars.

"Where to?" the pilot, a badly scarred batarian, asks as Wrex counts out the credit chits into his outstretched palm.

"Tuchunka," he replies gruffly. The batarian does not seem even remotely surprised by this response. Nodding, he excuses himself and ducks back into the cockpit to prime the shuttle for launch.

As Wrex glances out the sides of the shuttle, he catches sight of a human figure standing a short distance away. Her dark, scarred arms are crossed over her chest and one eyebrow is raised at him. A shock of shaggy red hair hangs in front of her two mischievous bright blue eyes. Her lips are split in a wry grin.

When she opens her mouth, it sounds like she's standing right next to him even though she appears to be out of earshot. "So long, Wrex."

A feral grin spreads across his reptilian face at the sound of those words. As the sides of the shuttle close, Wrex leans back and chuckles. That old farewell passes his lips for the last time.

"Shepard."

 **So… whaddaya think? Wrex is one of the most difficult characters in this trilogy to write (albeit he's also one of the most fun…). I would like to know if you think I did him justice.** _ **I**_ **think that I did, but it never hurts to get a second opinion.**

 **For future reference, chapter order goes like this; 1. Wrex; 2. Tali; 3. Joker; 4. Liara; 5. Garrus; 6. Ashley; 7. Lucas (MShep); 8. Kaidan.**

 **I also might do a chapter about FemShep's reaction to dying if enough people are interested.**

 **Please leave a review if you can.**

 **NOTE: Chapter updates are not set. I have "Tali" and "Joker" done and I'm currently working on "Liara" but nothing is set in stone, plus I have three other projects that I'm working on alongside this one, so… yeah. Don't expect any regularity.**


	2. These Wounds Won't Seem to Heal

**A/N: Hello everybodyyyyy!**

 **I'd like to give a shout-out to Centaurus, who gave this fic its very first review. Thanks again.**

 **(Just in case you're wondering, guys, I REALLY love reviews, they keep me motivated even more than faves and follows do, so if you can think of something to say about it, even if it's just two or three words, PLEASE say it. But be polite please. Flamers never prosper!)**

 **Anyway, I don't own Mass Effect or Tali or Shepard or anything else related to this awesome video game series, blah blah blah, you probably already know this anyway so you get the point…**

Tali is lonely.

The first thing that she feels when Joker arrives planetside alone is shock. In all of the time that they have worked together, never once has it crossed the quarian's mind that Shepard might not come back. Yet, as Joker crawls out of the final escape pod, clutching his arm to his chest as tears streak his sweat-soaked face, she immediately knows what happened.

Her heart drops down into her toes. Tali falls to her knees in the dirt, crying silently behind the protection of her enviro-suit. She barely hears Kaidan begin to scream at Joker, doesn't even see Liara bury her face in her hands or Lucas stare blankly at the empty interior of the shuttle. Overcome, she loses herself in her grief and begins to shake violently.

The next thing she knows, Garrus is kneeling down beside her and squeezing her shoulder, offering her silent support while simultaneously seeking comfort for his own grief. Tali takes small comfort in the fact that his eyes appear slightly misted.

She passes through the funeral in a fog, staring blankly up at the speakers as they give their speeches, but not fully aware of them. Her reverie is temporarily broken when first Lucas, then Kaidan, and at last Ashley go up to say their pieces. The haunted look in the other Shepard's eyes as he says his last words about his sister brands itself into her brain. And when Kaidan's voice breaks halfway through his own speech, Tali feels her heart give a painful wrench in her chest.

Returning to the flotilla later does nothing to lift the shroud of grief from her shoulders. Even among her own people, on a ship that Shepard never set foot on, reminders of her are everywhere. She can no longer sleep well to the hum of the ship's engines, instead craving the sweet silence of the Normandy's drive core. Standing in front of her own ship's drive core, she half expects to look up and see blue eyes and a bright smile there to greet her. And when the ship's captain barks orders, Tali can almost hear a saucy retort or a terse agreement to his declaration in her friend's all-too-familiar voice.

For the first time in her life, Tali feels completely alone on the flotilla. It's strange, being surrounded by people - _her_ people - a yet feeling so completely isolated from all of them. Everything is different now; everything she does feels hollow in the wake of her time working with Shepard. Even analyzing the geth data that she received on her Pilgrimage is painful - _she_ was the one who gave it to her, after all.

About a year after the _Normandy's_ destruction finds her sitting alone in the ship Commons, nursing a hot drink while staring moodily at the far wall. It's the anniversary of the Battle of the Citadel today. Elsewhere, members of the Galactic community are celebrating the destruction of Sovereign and the preservation of the Citadel; but inside the steel walls of the flotilla, not a sound can be heard.

Tali is missing Shepard more than ever now. The days immediately following the Commander's death had been hard enough, but at least back then the rest of the crew had been there with her. Now it's just her. All alone, trapped in her thoughts and memories with no relief.

Behind her helmet, the quarian feels her eyes starting to mist up.

"She would not wish you to be miserable like this, you know."

Startled, the girl looks up sharply to discover the identity of the intruder. She relaxes upon seeing a familiar dark grey enviro-suit.

Admiral Raan takes a seat across from her and folds her hands on the table in front of her. Tali looks away, unable to meet her elder's gaze. The woman doesn't react to it, instead reaching over to cover one of Tali's hands with her own.

"Losing a dear friend is an agony," she says gently. "But Shepard would wish for you to be happy, Tali."

Tali swishes her drink around absently in her hand. "I know," she whispers, feeling a little ashamed, despite herself. "I just…"

Her friend squeezes her hand reassuringly. "I understand."

"They sit in silence for awhile, Tali quietly sucking up the remains of her drink with a straw and Raan keeping a solid grip on her hand - and for the first time since Shepard's death, Tali doesn't feel alone.

 **For future reference, the profiles of both Shepards are as follows;**

 **Alena Shepard: Colonist, Sole Survivor, Paragon, Vanguard**

 **Lucas Shepard: Colonist, Ruthless, Paragade, Infiltrator**


	3. Just Too Much That Time Cannot Erase

**A/N: Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? 34 days to be precise. Ah well. That's what happens when you get suddenly in a Star Wars mood and forget about your ME fanfics.**

 **Liara's chapter is still in progress, and I don't know when it will be done - but for now, here's my favorite chapter so far.**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

Joker is guilt-ridden.

He can't look anyone in the eye when he emerges from the shuttle on Alchera's surface. He clutches his broken arm - the one she'd grabbed him by while trying to drag him towards the last shuttle - to his chest and struggles to keep the tears at bay. When Kaidan demands to know where she is, all Joker can do is shake his head slowly, not trusting himself to speak.

And then Kaidan is screaming at him, and he's screaming back, and it looks like the biotic is just about ready to punch him, and it takes Lucas and Liara working together to keep the enraged man from jumping at him. Once Kaidan has calmed down enough to regain control of himself, he throws a deadly glare at Joker and turns his back on him. Lucas, too, looks angry as he stares at the pilot, though to his credit he doesn't flip his lid like his fellow tech did.

Joker doesn't blame them. They're right, after all; Shepard's death was his fault. If he'd gone straight to the shuttle like he was supposed to, she wouldn't have had to go back for him and she would be alive right now. Instead, he had stayed behind like an idiot, desperately trying to save what he'd known, even then, was a lost cause.

And now she's gone.

His guilt is so huge that he almost doesn't go to the memorial service. It's not until he gets a vid-call from Ashley (who tells him in no uncertain terms to "get up off his sorry ass and go pay his respects to his friend") that he begrudgingly agrees to go. During the whole service he does nothing but scowl at anyone who makes eye contact with him. Maybe it's irrational and extremely childish of him, but he's determined to wallow in his own self-pity for as long as possible.

Returning to the Alliance doesn't bring the relief that he wants. Kaidan has cut off all contact with him, and Lucas won't say more than a few terse sentences to him at any one time. Ashley goes out of her way to talk to him when she can, but with her promotion and her new duties in the Alliance, she's so busy that she doesn't often have the chance to.

All of _that_ he can deal with. It's not like it's unexpected. But he is absolutely _not okay_ with being grounded.

He's probably being punished for standing up for Shepard. Or maybe he's just being punished for being a royal pain in the ass (not that those stupid bureaucrats don't deserve it…). Either way, instead of letting him flying again after everything is said and done, after the papers have been filed and the case wrapped up, the Alliance puts him behind a desk.

Not cool.

So yes - Joker is frustrated; he's angry; he's guilty; and he's desperate. So sue him; his friend just died, the press is currently trying to make her look like a madwoman, and to top it all off, they've taken away the only that things that makes his life worth living. You can forgive him for not feeling particularly friendly towards the Alliance at the moment.

Exactly nine months after the _Normandy's_ destruction, a mysterious message appears in Joker's inbox:

 _I know how the Alliance is treating you. I have an offer you can't refuse. Meet me at Purgatory Bar tomorrow at 1300. Come alone._

The Joker from nine months ago would have written it off as spam and deleted it without a second thought. He never would have bothered with it again.

But the Joker from nine months ago hadn't been grounded. He hadn't witnessed one of his closest friends get spaced. He hadn't been sidelined like a piece of trash by the very people he had once believed would never, ever betray his trust. The Joker from nine months ago still had something to fight for.

But now? Joker had nothing left to lose.

The very next day finds Joker downing shots of whiskey at the bar counter as he waits for his mystery contact. He hasn't been to this place since shore leave right after they destroyed Sovereign. The memories wash over him, bittersweet reminders of how things used to be. He inhales sharply as the guilt bombards him again.

That had been Shepard's last shore leave, after all.

"Jeff Moreau?"

Joker jerks as the new voice pulls him out of the memories. Glancing to his right, he watches in surprise as a pale, dark-haired woman in a white jumpsuit slides into the seat beside him. The smirk on her face is strangely off-putting. The pilot eyes her warily.

"I thought you'd come," the woman continues confidently. She extends her hand. He stares at it like it'll bite him if he so much as pats it. She ignores this. "Miranda Lawson. I'm here representing a privately funded human group known as Cerberus."

Joker chokes on his drink. " _Cerberus?_ As in those creeps who turned their own guys into creepy zombie monsters?" He snorts derisively. "Do you seriously think that I'd ever help people like that?"

"You will when you see what we're working on," Miranda says cooly - and places a datapad into his hands.

Joker stares at it for a full five minutes, trying to make sense of what he's seeing. Numbers, schematics, diagrams and notes dart across the screen, overloading his brain with a torrent of information. His heart contracts sharply in his chest. If this is saying what he thinks it's saying… his mouth goes dry.

"Is this for real?" he whispers.

"It is," Miranda replies.

Joker knows he should walk away right now, but.. after all the shit that he's dealt with over the past nine months, there's no way that he can pass something like this up.

Finally tearing his eyes away from the data pad, Joker looks Miranda in the eye.

"I'm in."


	4. Your Face Haunts my Once Pleasant Dreams

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. Hope this makes up for it.**

Liara is scared.

As an asari, she's no stranger to losing people. Though she's just barely over a hundred, she's still lost a handful of non-asari friends over the years to a variety of misfortunes - violence, disease, age… it's just part of being long-lived. But this… this is different. Alena's life had only just begun. She hadn't even been halfway through it yet. And still she was torn away in an instant.

It's not fair. Not even slightly.

Liara cries openly at Alena's memorial service, shaking and sobbing out of control. Tali reaches over and puts a comforting arm around her, lending the asari her shoulder to cry on. Liara isn't sure why Tali is going out of her way for her even in the midst of her own grief, but she's grateful to the quarian all the same.

With her friend's help, she manages to get through the service.

The first few weeks are the worst.

After Alena's funeral, the crew goes their separate ways. Lucas, Kaidan, Ashley and Joker go back to the Alliance. Tali returns to the flotilla. Garrus gets his job back at Citadel Security. Even Wrex gets himself together, going back to his old job as a mercenary.

Liara's dig site in now nothing more than a pile of rubble. Her mother is dead. She has nowhere to go.

Liara knows that Alena would want her to pick herself up and move on - she _understands_ that. But the pain is still so _raw_. It feels like only yesterday that the woman charged into her dig site, gun in hand, Lucas and Tali in tow, and started grilling her with questions about her mother. When she closes her eyes, she can smell the dust in the air, feel the ground shaking, hear the mechanical chatter of the Geth outside.

It is six months ago, and she is boarding the _Normandy_ for the first time. It is five months ago, and she is watching her mother draw her last breath. It is four months ago, and she is sitting beside Alena in the medbay as the woman clutches the hand of an unconscious Kaidan, the wounds he obtained on Virmire open and weeping pus. It is three months ago, and Alena is pulling herself out of a pile of rubble, her front splattered with Saren's blood and her arm bent at an irregular angle, but an unmistakable grin on her face as she strides forward.

It is one month ago, and the _Normandy_ is burning. It is one month ago, and she and Ashley are hauling a wounded Lucas into an escape shuttle as Kaidan runs off to find Alena. It is one month ago, and she sees the flare of the _Normandy_ exploding behind them in the shuttle's rear viewport. It is one month ago, and the shuttles are touching down on the surface of Alchera.

It is one month ago, and Staff Commander Alena Shepard is dead.

At that point, Liara's eyes snap open and she dissolves into a fresh bout of tears. The pain is unbearable, the memories overwhelming. She doesn't want to remember anymore. But the memories won't leave him alone. They follow her everywhere she goes, every nook and cranny of the Citadel she explores. In the elevator, in the shuttles, in the streets, in the shops… everywhere.

Liara can't escape it. Her late friend's face infiltrates her dreams and her reality alike, leaving her broken and lonely and utterly, _utterly_ terrified. And all she knows is that she has to escape.

So when she's offered a job on Ilium four months after the _Normandy's_ destruction, she jumps for it. Liara is _desperate_ for a way out, and now she's found it.

The morning that she leaves, she takes everything with her (which admittedly is not much, but still…). She boards her ride without a second thought. All she knows is that she needs to get away - so she does.

Liara doesn't look back.


	5. I'm So Tired of Being Here

**A/N: Considering how much I like Garrus and enjoy reading fics that star him, this chapter was surprisingly difficult to write. I think I got something good though. I hope you agree.**

 **Enjoy!**

Garrus is frustrated.

He doesn't understand why no one is taking Shepard's warnings seriously. Didn't they see what Sovereign did? How can they just ignore all of that now that the Commander's gone? He's always known that the higher-ups are exceedingly stupid, but this is just a whole new level of moronic.

Mere weeks after Shepard's funeral, the talk begins. Whispers of conspiracy and deceit begin to pop up whenever her name is mentioned. Newscasts, extranet sites and video programs begin to question her validity, her honestly, even her _sanity_ in regards to what she's said about the Reapers. With encouragement from the Citadel Council, the current most popular rumor is that whatever it is she saw on Feros made her lose her mind.

It's maddening.

Garrus is very vocal in his support of the Commander. He can stand around for hours, arguing vehemently with his superiors over Shepard's claims. It doesn't earn him any friends, of course - Executor Pallin is constantly cutting him off, and most of the other C-Sec officers give him a wide berth. He's earned himself a reputation as a raving lunatic, so naturally everyone tries to avoid him.

So maybe pissing everyone off with his constant badgering isn't the best plan he's ever had, but it's better than getting overwhelmed by grief and drinking himself into a stupor like Kaidan is doing. Garrus is a turian, after all. He's naturally good at compartmentalizing his own emotions and using them to his advantage. His grief is used to fuel his defense of his dead friend. His frustration is used to give him the drive to fight for the goals she was never able to complete. And his anger is used to keep him from collapsing inside himself and losing himself to despair.

He holds himself together. He has to.

It's what Shepard would want.

By the fifth month, Garrus has had enough of the brass' crap. No one is listening to him. No one seems to care about the horrors Shepard experienced trying to save their sorry asses from annihilation. And C-Sec is pretty much useless, wallowing in red tape and political bullshit and doing absolutely _nothing_ substantial _whatsoever_. It's driving him insane. If he has to sit through another minute of it, his head is going to explode.

He mentions it to Lucas one day while they're grabbing drinks during some downtime. Lucas is swirling his whiskey around in his glass and complaining very loudly about the idiocy of the Alliance brass. Garrus' mandibles click in amusement - he can relate.

"I swear they're trying to smother us," Lucas says tiredly, leaning back in his seat and swishing the brown liquid around absently. Garrus nods in understanding.

"I know," he sighs. "I'm wading in so much red tape right now that I feel like I'm going to get tied up in it and hung from the top of Citadel Tower where everyone can pelt me with vegetables."

Lucas laughs, shaking his head. "Yeah. You know, sometimes I wish I could just run off to Omega and become a vigilante. I'd get a lot more done that way."

"Why don't you?" Garrus asks casually. Lucas gives him an incredulous look.

"You kidding? Ash would kill me!"

Garrus laughs and nods. "True, true."

Lucas takes a swig of his whiskey and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He leans forward again.

"You could do it, maybe," the other Shepard remarks thoughtfully. Garrus cocks his head. "You don't really have much to hold you here, except maybe me and Ash. You could leave any time you wanted and no one would question it. I don't have that luxury." He sighs and wags his head. "Honestly Garrus, all things considered… you're lucky."

Garrus snorts. "Sure. Lucky."

"I mean it!" Lucas says emphatically. "You could go anywhere, be anything. Me, though… I'll always be Commander Shepard's brother."

His face clouds as he says it. Garrus watches as his human friend pulls back into his little shell. As his expression closes off, the turian knows that the conversation is over.

Sure enough, Lucas gets up. "Well, it's late," he says flatly. "I should go. See you around, Garrus." He leaves.

Garrus watches his retreating. "…Right… see you."

He remains at the counter for a few more minutes, staring off into space and mulling over Lucas' words. His mandibles twitch into the turian equivalent of a smile as he thinks over one of the man's remarks.

"A vigilante on Omega, huh?" he mutters. "That's not a bad idea…"

 **Next chapter might be awhile in coming, since I'm kinda stuck on Ash's bit (she's the one that I tend to pay the least attention to since I usually leave her on Virmire in ME1 so I'm not as accustomed to her personality as I am the others'). I'll probably end up writing Lucas' and Kaidan's first and then coming back to hers so… yeah. Just keep an eyes out.**


	6. Bound By the Life You Left Behind

**A/N: I am REALLY not sure what the think of this one. I really like Ashley, but she's just** _ **so dang hard**_ **for me to write. I just hope** **I did her justice here.**

 **Next update will be VERY soon; Lucas' chapter is already done.**

 **Enjoy!**

Ashley is pissed.

Stupid brass, stupid Council, stupid Shepard, stupid, stupid, STUPID! If she has to deal with anymore BS from any of them, her head is going to explode. _No one_ is listening, _no one_ even seems to _care_ about the _sacrifices_ that Shepard made to save their sorry behinds (and why the hell did she have to go back in there alone, anyway? All of this could've been prevented if the idiot had had the sense to bring some backup!)

Ashley keeps her anger to herself, however. Everyone around her is struggling to keep themselves from falling apart. She and Garrus are forced to run damage control for the rest of the crew, ensuring that they don't have to grieve for Alena alone. At the funeral, after her speech, while Garrus goes off to comfort Tali and Liara, Ash helps their human teammates. She lets Kaidan cry on her shoulder, speaks as kindly and gently with Joker as she can realistically manage under the circumstances, and allows Lucas to lean against her for support.

She does what she can for them, but she's only one woman - and they are barely holding together as it is.

Ashley wonders how Alena did it, staying so calm and so strong for everyone else on the team. It's a struggle, being a shoulder to cry on. For the first time, Ash truly appreciates what her mother went through right after her dad's death - bearing that oppressive mantle of leadership draped over her shoulders, demanding her to stand tall when all she wants to do is break down and cry herself. But she can't do that. She has to keep moving forward, for everyone's sake. She may have lost a friend over Alchera; but if she falls apart, she'll lose a lot more than that.

After the initial surge of grief over the commander's passing, the public begins to question Shepard's validity at every turn. Ashley watches in disbelief as the Council casually tears down the image of the woman who saved them. They write Shepard off as a lunatic and shove her to the side, like she hadn't prevented a galactic catastrophe, like she hadn't saved trillions of lives when she destroyed Sovereign… and Ashley wants nothing more than to punch them in their pompous, hypocritical faces.

How dare they? How DARE they disrespect her friend like that?!

Lucas agrees with her, naturally, but that doesn't make it any more difficult.

"That's politicians for you," he remarks dryly one day, while the two of them are sitting together by the edge of the lake up in the Presidium. "They beg and beg for you to help them and then completely screw you over once they've got what they want."

Ashley scowls and flicks a little piece of metal into the water. "I hate politicians," she grumbles.

Lucas laughs and lays back in the grass, tucking his arms behind his head. "You and the rest of the galaxy," he says with a smirk.

Despite his apparent mirth, Ash can see the furrows between his eyes. He clearly has something weighing heavily on his mind. She doesn't even need to wonder what it is.

She lays down beside him and stares up the "sky", examining the shapes of the artificial clouds with vague interest. To be honest, the whole damn Citadel annoys her. It feels like it's designed specifically to make you forget that the rest of the galaxy exists, and she's not particularly fond of that illusion. Just another reason why she hates the Council so much - it's like they want to make people think that there's absolutely nothing wrong and forget that there are more important things in the universe than catching the next Blasto movie. It's just so frustrating.

"You think Alena's up there?" Lucas asks suddenly. Ash glances at him briefly. Smiling softly, she reaches over and squeezes his hand.

"I know she is," she says gently. "We'll see her again, Skipper. I can feel it."

He turns to look at her. His eyes are wet. Nevertheless, he manages a watery smile.

"Yeah…" he trails off.

Ashley moves closer to him, wrapping one arm loosely around his torso. He rests his cheek on the top of her head and sighs heavily. Normally she wouldn't risk doing this in public, but he needs it right now. Besides, she's wearing her hair down and he hasn't shaved in a few days, not to mention that they're both dressed in civilian clothes at the moment, so it'll be harder for people to recognize them than on a normal day.

Ash closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. So maybe everything's going to hell and the Council's treating her friend's reputation like shit, maybe she's still more than a little pissed with the authorities and more than ready to crack some heads together if the need arises, and maybe there's a chance that she and Lucas will be spotted cuddling on the lawn and get court-martialed for fraternization, but honestly, right now she can't bring herself to care.

As messed up as things are at the moment… today, life is good.

 **I'm really hoping that this seems in character. I figured that out of all of the crew members, Ash would probably be the best at keeping her cool and pulling herself together. She seems to have a hardy personality like that. I can't really picture her falling apart easily. If she seems OOC… sorry, I tried my best.**


	7. Tried so Hard to Tell Myself You're Gone

**A/N: Okay, so I'm gonna take a vote. Are any of you interested in me doing one final chapter after Kaidan's that shows my FemShep's reaction to dying? I've got a few really good ideas for that (I might just make the chapter anyway, but I would like to know if anyone else besides me would want one like that. Be warned that it would have a lot of spiritual and "metaphysical" aspects to it that the others chapters distinctly lack since the others are all alive and she's obviously not…).**

 **But anyway, either way, I hope you enjoy.**

Lucas is devastated.

She's gone. Alena, his sister, the only family he has left, is dead.

He doesn't want to believe it. But Joker is crying, and Kaidan is shouting, and the escape shuttle is empty behind the pilot's back, and he knows deep down that it's true. He can't tear his eyes away from the empty vessel. Bile bubbles up in his stomach - it is with great effort that he keeps it down. Tears prick his eyes, but he blinks them back. With both Alena and Pressly dead, he is now the ranking officer of this crew. He has to keep it together.

Allie's funeral nearly destroys him. Up until he's actually experiencing the service itself, the full reality of what happened doesn't hit him. But as he listens to the speaker read his sister's obituary, something in him snaps. Reality hits him like a freight train, and his throat closes. A strangled sob rips out of his throat - and when he is called up to speak, it's all he can do not to collapse into a weepy mess.

The first thing Lucas does when he returns to the Citadel is head back to his apartment in the Wards and crash on the couch. Burying his face in the cushions, the man finally gives into his grief and cries. His entire body convulses with sobs and he pulls his N7 hoodie closer around him, taking comfort in the familiar fabric. This continues for about half an hour before he finally cries himself to sleep.

He is thinking about her almost constantly in the following months. How can he not? She's his little sister. He'd promised himself that he would never let anything happen to her, and… well, look at what's happened since. Their family slaughtered on Mindoir. Her entire squad eaten by thresher maws on Akuze. Her brain zapped by a Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Saren nearly breaking her neck of Virmire.

Her getting thrown out into space trying to save Joker while Lucas is unconscious inside an escape shuttle.

Some big brother _he_ is.

It's his fault. He should've been there with her. Maybe, if he'd been there… well, at the very worst he would've died with her. Part of him wishes that he had. The other part feels guilty about wishing that, especially considering how much of a mess Kaidan has become since Alena's death. Lucas is sure that Ash would handle his death better than Kaidan is handling hers, but he knows that she would still grieve, and he doesn't want to put her through that. He loves her too much to even consider it.

He spends his free time in the gym with the punching bags, beating the crap out of the stuffed sacks until his arms are sore and the skin on his hands is rubbed raw. Punching things keeps him preoccupied, so that he doesn't have to focus on his grief. As long as he's hitting something, he can avoid collapsing into a sobbing mess. That's the last thing he wants to do.

He's tired of the nightmares and the sleepless nights. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her; he watches her die over and over again. And it's not just her, either; he sees his parents getting melted by particle beams, his uncle Barry shredded with a knife, his aunt Zoe impaled with a sharpened stick, his brother Jason pitch backward with a hole in the center of his forehead… all of his worst memories are brought to the surface, suffocating him.

He swings his fist with all his might, so hard that the punching bag is torn from its chain and goes flying across the room. Scowling, he tears off his boxing gloves and stomps over to retrieve the ruined bag. He's just leaning over to haul it up when he notices someone lurking in the gym's entrance. He straightens up.

"Hiya, Skipper," Ashley Williams says casually, giving him a little wave. "What's up?"

Lucas forces a smile. "Nothing much. I was just…" He gestures at the punching bags. He tries to act casual, but if the furrowing of her brows is any indication, she's not buying it.

She pushes herself out of the doorway and walks over to him. When she's about three feet away, she stops and looks him over.

"You okay?"

He shrugs. "Yeah."

Ashley clearly doesn't believe him. She crosses her arms over her chest and raises her eyebrows. "Really? 'Cause you look like someone just drowned your goldfish."

Lucas scowls. "I'm _fine_ , Ash."

"Bullshit."

His mouth opens to spout out a retort, but words fail him. Ash knows him too well to be fooled by any mask he tries to put on. There's no point in trying to hide from her.

He wilts, allowing his carefully maintained facade to crumble. His hands relax at his side, pulling out of the tight fists he'd clenched them into. He hangs his head in shame.

"It's my fault," he says quietly.

Ashley's expression softens. With a sigh, she leans forward and pulls him into an embrace. He hesitates for a moment before returning it. If he was in his right mind, he would've protested doing this in such a public place - anyone can walk in and see them, and then it's all over. But he isn't in his right mind. He's scared and lonely and in pain and all he can think about is the _Normandy_ exploding behind him with his little sister still aboard, and he's just happy that Ashley's there with him, reminding him that he still has something to live for. If it wasn't for her, he probably would have killed himself already.

She doesn't tell him that it's going to be okay, because obviously it isn't. She doesn't even tell him that it isn't his fault, because she knows he won't believe her.

Instead, she leans in close and quotes Tennyson in his ear. Her voice washes over him, and Lucas closes his eyes, feeling the tension slowly leach out of him. He begins to shake. His vision starts to blur. Warm water streaks down his face, but he ignores it. His focus is on the sound of Ash's voice in his ear, rich and smooth, reminding him of the good things he still has, rather than the ones he lost; of the lover still with him, rather than the sister gone forever.

And for a moment - just a moment - Lucas Jonathan Shepard is at peace.


	8. You Still Have All of Me

**A/N: Phew, the last week and a half have been INSANE… So much scrambling around with senior project stuff, choir league, other homework… ugh, my workload is ridiculous. It's weeks like these that make me wish I was a middle schooler again. This chapter should've been done a LONG time ago… but as it is, circumstance has delayed it for a while. Oh well…**

 **And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the character affected worst by the event, the man of the hour - Kaidan!**

 **Enjoy.**

Kaidan is broken.

He has never hated himself more than he does right now. He never should have let Alena go back alone. He should've insisted that he go with her to rescue Joker. He should've refused to leave her behind.

He should've. But he didn't.

And now she's gone.

Kaidan doesn't cry right away. First he gets angry. He almost attacks Joker when he realizes Alena isn't with him. Lucas and Liara literally have to physically restrain him to keep him from punching the man. Even after he's regained his composure, he can't stop himself from throwing a deadly glare in Joker's direction before turning and storming off.

At sixty meters away, his legs give out. Dropping to his knees in the freshly-fallen snow, Kaidan buries his face in his hands. Out of earshot and nearly out of sight of the others, he starts to sob. He sobs and sobs until his throat is sore and his eyes hurt and then keeps sobbing, doubling over into a fetal position as his grief swallows him whole.

It takes half an hour for the tears to stop, and even then it's only because he's cried himself dry. He kneels in the snow for a while longer, shuddering and dry heaving, before finally pulling himself to his feet. He trudges back to the others, furiously scrubbing at his damp cheeks. They graciously choose not to comment.

He doesn't want to live. Every day after the crash, he is reminded over and over again of his loss. The coffin at Alena's memorial service. The pieces of Reaper debris still strewed about the Citadel. Her likeness displayed on Alliance recruitment ads. Other little bits and pieces, most seemingly unrelated and irrelevant on the surface but poignant and all too important to someone who knew her well.

And most important, of course, to someone who loves her.

Kaidan's therapist calls it survivor's guilt. "It's normal," she tells him. "It'll pass."

Right. Like she understands what it's like for your entire world to go up in flames - literally - right after you started believing that you might just have a future. Like she knows how it feels to witness your lover die in agony while you watch helplessly from the safety of an escape shuttle. She doesn't understand anything about him; doesn't understand that he feels like someone cut into his chest and carved out his heart with a pocket knife; doesn't understand that that he dreads waking up in the morning to life without Alena in it; doesn't understand that Kaidan's "suicidal recklessness", as his superiors so eloquently put it, is due to losing half of himself and being unable to cope. She doesn't know what it's like to lose the love of your life.

When things are especially bad, he turns to alcohol. He knows she wouldn't want him to - Alena didn't drink much, claiming that it "dulled the senses", and she hated it when people used it as a coping mechanism - but he doesn't know what else to do. Nothing else helps. He can't escape his grief by normal means - so he drinks his sorrows away.

On one such day, things explode out of control. He's at Flux at the time, downing shots and trying not to throw up all over the bartender, when a turian slightly to the left of him makes a snide remark about Alena. An Alliance recruitment ad is playing on the vidscreen, depicting her face for all to see, when the turian snorts.

"Right. Why are they using this crazy woman to get people to join their military?"

At the word "crazy", Kaidan's back stiffens. In an instant, he's already turned and decked the turian in the face, screaming obscenities and death threats as he comes and takes another swing at him. The turian dodges and takes a swing of his own, striking Kaidan in the chest. He responds by kneeing his opponent in the gut (which isn't very effect against the man's armor, but hey, Kaidan's drunk; he's not exactly thinking things through).

On and on the battle rages, the two men punching and kicking and screaming at each other as Flux erupts into a full-out bar brawl. Tables are smashed. Dishware goes flying. People are shouting and fighting as Flux staff members cower behind the bar counter or attempt to break up the fight. The bouncer surges forward, attempting to quell the violence, but a stray punch sends him flying.

Kaidan's eye is blackened and his nose is bleeding, his biopics are rippling out of control all across his skin, and a migraine is flaring up inside his skull, but he keeps going, hitting and kicking futilely at his opponent, trying unsuccessfully to take him down. This could continue for a few hours; but right then, a roaring voice carries over the crowd;

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Everyone freezes. It goes so quiet that, if not for the tinny club music playing over the loudspeakers, you could hear a feather drop. Kaidan turns his head towards the doorway. There, with his arms crossed over his chest and a deep scowl etched across his face, stands Lucas. He glares around the room, his blue eyes sharp with anger. His pose and expression are so similar to some of Alena's that Kaidan has to stifle a sob.

"It sounded like someone was getting killed in here!" the other Shepard snaps. "What is wrong with you people?!"

A young asari points at Kaidan and the turian. "They started it."

Lucas follows where she's pointing, locking his gaze on the biotic. His eyes widen slightly before he schools his expression back into his neutral commander mask. Frowning, he turns his attention back the the asari.

"I don't care who started it," he growls. "I'm ending it. Everybody, go home!" he adds, his voice rising in volume. "You've put enough stress on the staff as it is."

Grumbling, the patrons all begin shuffling out, glowering at Lucas as they pass. The turian throws Kaidan one last dirty looks before storming out. But Kaidan doesn't move. His body aches. His head is spinning. He wants nothing more than to keep lying there on the floor and never get up. But Lucas has other ideas. As the last stragglers trickle out of the bar, the man stalks over to Kaidan and stands over him.

"On your feet, lieutenant," Lucas barks.

"Ngh…" Kaidan replies. He doesn't move.

Lucas scowls. "Up. Now." He kicks his leg. Kaidan glares at him. "Do you want me to pull rank?" the commander demands.

Glowering, Kaidan attempts to stand. He stumbles. Everything tilts sideways, and he blacks out.

He wakes up back at his apartment with a splitting headache. A blanket is thrown haphazardly over his prone form. There is a glass of water, some pain pills, and two granola bars on his nightstand. Right beside them is a datapad.

Kaidan grabs the water and the pills and downs them together in one gulp. He feeling a little nauseous, so he ignores the granola bars. He picks up the datapad and flicks it on.

There are several different files stored on it. He opens the first one.

It's a typed note;

 _Kaidan, I know you miss Alena. Believe me, I miss her just as much as you do. Maybe even more… I don't know… my point is that you need to hold it together. I know it's painful. I know it's hard. But this isn't what she would want._

 _I know you blame yourself for what happened to her - don't. It's not your fault. She never would have let you run into the fire like that, and you know it. She sent you back to save your life - don't belittle her sacrifice by throwing that away._

 _This datapad contains some pictures and recordings of Alena that I had saved on my omni-tool. Figured you could use some mementos. I hope they help more than they hurt._

 _Take care, Kaidan._

 _\- L_

 _-P.S. Take it easy on the happy juice. Alcohol and migraines don't mix well. And take a shower. You really smell._

Kaidan manages a watery smile. Lucas may not be great at the whole "comfort" thing, but he's glad that the guy is trying. It's the thought that counts, right?

Taking a deep breath, Kaidan closes the note and opens the next file. And if there are tears in his eyes as he watches the attached video recording, well, that's all just part of the healing process.

 **Wow… this chapter is way longer than I planned. WAY longer. Phew. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Next (and last) chapter is Alena's. Stay tuned.**


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